I'm going to start a new religion. I am
getting tired of the religion of peace that cuts peoples heads off as
well as the one that likes to condemn everyone to hell because they
don't believe the same way. Think I am going to call it: “The
Church Of The Not Knowing Hairless Monkeys.” Everyone is invited to
join, including those with hair, unless you are one of those people
who already know everything. If you already know everything then you
will be really flustered by this congregation because we are going to
be a church that doesn't claim to know anything for sure, but we will
be OK with it.
All are welcome. I don't care if your
black,white,gay,straight, protestant, catholic,Jewish, Buddhist, or
you belong to the church of the flying spaghetti monster( which is
quite real, the church ,not necessarily the monster) or you believe
in Sasquatch or aliens, all will be welcome with one condition; you
can't already assume or believe that you already know all truth.
Of course this one stipulation will
make for a very small congregation. I have found that most really
religious people already believe that they know all the truth there
is in the vast universe, so they wouldn't want to join such an
eclectic group as ours,so by default it will keep our membership
quite low.
So now we have to decide what it is
that we believe about our God. Some say that God is a she. Some say
that God is a spirit, others an alien entity, which I suppose by
definition would be true. Some say he's a cross between an elephant
and a man. Then there is the debate over what type of spaghetti
monster he might be. No joke. Personally I like the Native American
term of “Grandfather” and “Great Spirit” so because I am the
head monkey we will consider God to be like a “Grandfather or Great
Spirit” or for the PC in the crowd you may go with a Grandmother
because we don't really know and that is kind of our theme here.
Most religions believe that God created
the world, they just differ on the details, so we will stick to that
tried and true view, and because I wasn't there when it happened I’ll
just go with “I don't know when it happened” keeping in harmony
with our theme.
There is no Gay issue. If you don't
like gay people don't come. Simple and to the point. If you are one
of those who enjoy be-headings or condemnation of those who believe
differently don't bother,we get enough of that garbage in the real
world, don't need it when praising God.
One of my more novel ideas for
doctrines would really encompass most of the religions out there. The
first would be to worship and serve God. The second would be to love
and care for all people.
For those that don't believe in God (
you would be welcome with us ) if you are doing the second, loving
and caring for people, then you are , in effect, doing the first so
it's all good.
The church could be in my house or
garage, or in the back yard having a BBQ and or bon fire. Depends on
the weather.
No “tithing” allowed. If you want
to bring some munchies and beverage and donate to the poor then
that's cool. Of course I wouldn't argue with a spare 20 tucked in my
pocket, being the head Monkey should have some perks..
Wear what you want, but wear something.
Speedo's do not count, this is a family friendly environment after
all. Don't want to permanently scar the kiddo's.
Music is optional, though I'm very
partial to Celtic, so if you have bag pipes bring em and feel free to
scare the daylights out of the neighborhood dogs and cats. If you
like Reggae just make sure you bring the appropriate herbs as
well..enough said.
I know this really sounds like a
Sunday (or Saturday, depending on your preferences) social gathering
rather then a church, but isn't that really supposed to be the point?
Isn't it better to celebrate God by eating and drinking and giving
our love and charity to others? Isn't it better to give of ourselves
where it's needed, showing the love God has for us?
I heard it said once that we go about
church the wrong way. The pastor and his sermon is the focus, the
choir or the praise band is the entertainment, and the people are
the audience and God is mentioned. What if we changed it to the
pastor being the director of the program, the audience is God, and
everyone else is the entertainment to praise God? Wouldn't that be
better?
So if you want to do something
completely different, that doesn't involve judgments based on man
made dogma, or the removal of heads, then the church of “The Not
Knowing Hairless Monkeys” is for you!
